Kemmiiii's Blog

Dear Future Wife

Posted on: October 7, 2011

Hey People. You’re Welcome Back. You know the letterDear Future Husband I wrote to My future Husband eh? Well….I got a few responses from jonzing future husbands. I selected just 2 to show you guys. One from Famzing naija dog and the other; an anonymous jonzer.

Today, I bring you Famzing Naija Dog….
*******
Good Morning. @OluwaWanaBaba here. If you know me, Sup? If you don’t, go and buy bread at http://playbookutunu.wordpress.com and come back. Kemi dearie, thanks for the advert space. Moving on.

In case, you do not know by now (some people are actually slower than the cross-breed of a snail and a tortoise), Kemi is my future wife. I saw her letter, and as a good future husband decided to reply.
Happy reading.

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad wife, you’ll become a philosopher.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Wana’s room,
Fabulous Mansion,

Mars.
Kemi’s Room,
Awesome Grace Villa,
Venus.
Kemi. Pardon me for calling you by your name straight, and not using all the sweet names like “honeypie” and “sugarpoop”. You know you are the Queen of my Heart, the only boxers in my cupboard, the only Oracle in my Twitter. But that doesn’t mean I will call you names like “honeypie”. Life is too short for Iranu. The highest I can call you is ‘dear’, and that will be when I’m in a good mood, like after I’ve eaten 7 wraps of Amala.
I got your letter last night. I have to say, I was impressed with what I read. You really are a smart, beautiful girl, and I’m proud to be your future husband.
I was not chyking any girl o! I was having practicals on the mammary glands with a female classmate when your letter came in. I want to be a doctor. To hell with the National Cake. Let us not soil our hands with something so evil. I have a desire to save lives which is why I want to be a doctor, and earn more than enough money for us to be comfortable.
I have read your rules, and I am not entirely happy with them. To prevent future throwing of fists, let me send you a revised edition of your rules that suit us both.

1. I totally agree with rule number 1. We shall obey God everywhere. Every time. In every different way. I doubt you’ll be able to obey God as vigorously as I can, so I’ll need ‘prayer partners’. They will be Nkechi, my secretary and our 3 maids.

2. 8 children? Sextuplets? Then twins? Do you have a death wish? This, I do not agree with. Unless you’ve found a way to develop 2 extra pairs of breasts, that’s a No. We’re having a maximum of 4 children, and that’s it. Imagine if the 8 children inherit my troublesome behavior? You’ll just end up booking a permanent reservation at 8, Harvey Road, Yaba.
I will never ever change diapers. No matter what you’re doing, once the baby cries, attend to it. I may help make food once in an extremely dark blue moon, but that’s all the help you’ll get from me. You and the other maids can do the rest.

3. Cooking is not an issue. I’m a good cook. A very wonderful cook sef. If you see me prepare Bread and Butter, you would be amazed. I am also an expert in making Boiled Eggs, so no need to worry. Hunger will never finish our children.

4. I know they have their disadvantages, but we have to house-helps. Plenty of them. I don’t want you to work yourself to death, as washing 7 Maybach-Benzes and 3 Rolls-Royce Phantoms every morning will kill you. Trust me. Na ordinary Toyota Camry I dey wash for here every morning wey my Humerus don almost commot my Gleno-Humeral joint.
We will have 3 hired helps, and their names shall be Ekaette, Enobong and Iniobong. They shall each have their own rooms and their payment and every other situation related to their welfare shall be handled by me.

5. I’m totally with you on Date Nights. It’s a chance to show you off to the world and make all the other men jealous of the gorgeous beauty on my arm, so yes I’m with it.
Our actual first date? It’s gonna be wonderful. It’s gonna be fantastic… There’s this new Cholera Joint opposite my crib… Their Bread & Beans is orgasmically delicious…

6. Yeah, I’ve wondered how the proposal is gonna be… I’m so romantic and I have so many ideas in mind… Lemme give you one example…
Me: Kemi, where are you?
You: In the toilet!
Me: Is your shit hard?
You: *grunts* Uuuuurrggghh
Me: Will you marry me?
You: Uuurrrrggghhhh!!!
Me: *pops champagne*
Wasn’t that so romantic?

7. I like the idea that we should have our own song. That one song that would set us in the mood and make us remember why we fell in love in the first place. There are a lot of songs running through my mind right now…
What do you think of “Dadubule” by Scally? The lyrics are so emotional and filled with love, and they make me so happy when I hear them…
“Meji l’oyan, okan l’oko… Meji l’epon, okan l’oko…”
“Abi iwo bricklayer one time to lon r’ebo r’ebo…”
“Baby je ki n bi sinu obo”
*sighs* So romantic…
Another romantic song on my mind is M.I.’s Somebody Wants To Die… The title alone reeks of love…

8. Discipline: I too, am not in favour of beating children. It’s a very barbaric and destructive practice, and I’m in favor of more constructive punishments.
‘Stand in the corner’ is not a punishment. When I say punishments, I mean punishments like ‘The Transporter’. Let me explain it to you.
We put a 50L drum full of water at the front gate, and an empty one in the back-yard. The child to be punished is then handed a fork, with which he must transfer the water from the drum with water to the empty one.
Trust me, Spending 19 hours walking in a straight line without food or water or any break will cure every bad habit in that child.
I really admire that you took your time to write that lovely letter to me. I have exchanged it for N30 akara, which I ate with Ijebu garri and groundnut, so that it may be forever etched in my memory…
Till we meet,
Yours lovingly,
Wana.
******
I Def won’t marry a Doctor.
Wana you’re jonzing 😀

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43 Responses to "Dear Future Wife"

Terrific Stuff ! He Stole The Words From My Head Tho.

NOOOOOOO!!!! Zubair beat me to it 😥

😀 why won’t you marry a doctor? Too little time abi?

Lol. Yh. Too little time.

Goodn Stuff! Wana… Impressed Much

Ha ha ha! The transporter

LMAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gud stuf….rily gud!!!!kemi,u obviously can’t marry a doctor….

“Once the baby cries, attend to it”

IT?? Hahahaha!!!

Goes back up to continue reading.

errmnn u can use “It” wen nt sure of d gender

“The child to be punished is then handed a fork”

FORK!

Wana, you went to Ijanikin ba? I remember those days. I do not pity your children.

This was wonderful. I am virtually clapping…virtually.

I did… Those years were horrible…

Nice one!!!! But wait o…why is “nkechi” one of your prayer partners. Lol

*sigh* “I def won’t marry a doctor, Wana u’re jonzing” <==== that's my fav part. Another one of my competitors has been 'evicted' 🙂

Wana, u and gbagz sha *smh*

Annoys me that I gt to read ur post wen I’m off to work.. Barely ve time to read yet alone comment.. Buh this post is funny.. Lmao @ the oracle in my Twitter and many other things.. I totally agree wiv rule 4. We prolly shld ve more maids.. 3 aint enuff to meet my whatsoever needs.. Also attending to you wld b too much of a workload for em. The other rules just fine wiv me.. funny post. Ilike. Loool nkechi wldnt be a bad prayer partner tho.

I’m a good cook. A very wonderful cook sef. If you see me prepare Bread and Butter, you would be amazed <———— dis is jst so funny =))

#EPIC!!! ROTFLMAO

LoL ur kids r in trouble

Hahahahahahahaha amazing read. Reali funi,but that transporter ish is very deep man. Ahan @least giv d child a spoon

Pls at least give your child a spoon the fork will be too cruel

Oh mee gooooossssh…iLaff taya ooo..too funni, yet articulate reply :p

Hilarious stuff

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! This in insane! I almost died when I read how the Transporter punishment goes down. Ahn ahn. That’s too much.

Prayer partners-Loool!

The proposal-Loool!

Hilarious read.

No I am not subscribing to the comments on this post. Lol. The humerus and joint medical joke had me crying. I can also see why the doctor man would love to have many househelps. Appaz he loves obeying God so much he wishes he were Jacob who had 3 pseudo wives imposed on him in addition to Rachel. Wana well done for matching Kemi’s madness and unrealistic demands. Thumbs up.

Ooooo ma daiz!!!!! Dahyem!!! Lmaooooo!!!! Dis dude z a weist(in a gud way tho) 😀

Calling child support services. You have to be placed on watch… Oh! Shit mtn network don fuck me up. Good stuff bro. 41 days igbala iwosan at ur nerby Cele church won’t cure ur madness

Wana, You seem to be the perfect man for the job. However, Furthermore, in addition…
Produce 4, Adopt 4 and Rear all equally (remember who died yesterday?)
For Punishment, may I suggest “the Monkey Cigarette” (See Yoruba Rendition)
And “Dadubule” was a massive choice, it’s amazing how ppl pretend to know what it means, but really have no clue.

This was Absolutely Hilarious Bro. And Kemi, children are “it’s” till they’re 12 irrespective of gender (to me)

i’ve carried last once again…this was hilarious!…
One more thing, since kemi won’t marry a doctor, i’ll suggest Wana drops out of Med school -_-
don’t worry you just might be the next Steve jobs or Bill gates or Kanye west or….

Crazy stuff mehn!….’The only oracle in my twitter'<~~~i wunt 4get dis

not bad @ all. U wont marry a doctor but shey u’ll consider a pharmacist?

Lool. Ive been laughing in class and my lecturer is furious.(rolling). Loving d love songs too. Thumbs up.

I haff carry last!!!! This is awscious!!!

Rotflmao!!!! thiis issss hilariooousss!!! 😀 nd Kemi, u rily should get married 2 dis dude, u’ll hv fun die!!! (dnt wori i’ll xplain to Mayowa) 😀

We shall obey God everywhere. Every time. In every different way. I doubt you’ll be able to obey God as vigorously as I can, so I’ll need ‘prayer partners’. They will be Nkechi, my secretary and our 3 maids. <<<<<<< LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lwkm!wuz laughing while i wuz reading dis post..d punishment is jes d height! 😦 dats wickedness na..well i love d post! 🙂

There is no sin in obeying the will of God. Cholera joint…… been there, there’s no better joint.

Hahahahahahah
Wana u re Mad

babcock may God punish u n ur effed up netwrk waka waka 4 u…..ive missd dis babes blog 4 a yl…n i ve died of lafta readin dis…i lyk dt part of obedience sha…no ekaette welcomed oo we cnt b sharing d same rosay..#okbye…..:)

Laffing myself hoarse!OMG!

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