Kemmiiii's Blog

Romantic Vampires

Posted on: February 18, 2013

Another TTGMG post. This time by Justin Irabor who blogs here. He specifically asked me to upload his mascot. I wonder why.

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I have a confession. And please don’t add “don’t take it personal”. That really grinds my gears.
So. Erm. What was I saying? Ah, yes, the confession. When I launched Microsoft Word on my PC in a (brave) bid to write for Kemmiiiiiiiii’s (please, If I exceed the ‘i” limit in her name, forgive me) blog, I had not one thing to write about.
It’s appalling yeah? I mean, how can someone have lived this long on earth and not have a single thing that grinds his gears? Even Oscar Pistorius had something like that in his life (his legs. I’m talking about his legs.)
So, first of all (oh God, please don’t say “Go down low”), I would like to kindly introduce myself as Irabor Justin, Maestro, Vunderkind and proud owner of Crazy comics and http://www.iraborjustin.wordpress.com, a proud father (to be) and a guy without gears that have experienced any form of grinding.
Oh…wait. I just remembered.
I do have something to talk about. It really grinds my gears. And I bet to God it grinds yours, too.
Wait for it…
Romantic Vampires.
That stuff is all shades of annoying. On that note, let us ignore further reference to Fifty Shades of Grey, okay? Good people.
Where were we? Yes, Romantic Vampires. I watched the first Twilight movie with a straight face, and thought – what the heck? Vampires are no longer killed by sunlight? Ooooh. They hide from the sun because they GLITTER. That MAKES a lot of sense! Nope, nothing in the least bit gay about that one.

One of the most appalling new-fangled concepts in the history of Vampirology (a cool word I formed, thank you) is the idea of Vegetarian Vampires. I am sure you know what it means, but just for the benefit of doubt, I shall proceed to explain.
Vegetarian (abi na vegan?) vampires are a rare (I dare add, stupid) breed of vampires who love us humans so much that they have sworn off drinking human blood (aww). But of course, they still have cravings for delectable blood, so how do they cope? Well, they hunt animals instead.
Like rabbits.
Nothing gay about that either.

So, what is the outcome? Well, they become pretty weak. Apparently human blood is the balanced diet of vampires, and rabbit blood cannot supply the essential vitamins and minerals required for them to grow into strong, healthy vampires (I realize the irony here. Vampires do not actually grow.) This makes the ‘vegetarian vampires’ pretty weak, less powerful than their ‘non-vegetarian’ counterparts. They become sissies who are tossed about by vampires no more ‘vampiric’ than themselves. To prove my point, I refer you to the first meeting of Stefan and Damon Salvatore in the Vampire Diaries (Season 1). Damon tossed Stefan out the window like a wet tissue paper (and my use of the word ‘wet tissue’ paper does not reveal any secrets about me). Need I mention that Stefan was a vegetarian?
You might wonder what my issue with vegetarian vampires is, but if you will bear with me, you shall soon realize that vegetarian vampires ARE also the romantic vampires!
Let us do some logic, shall we?
Not all vampires are vegetarian.
Vegetarian vampires are romantic.
Therefore all romantic vampires are vegetarian.
See why I should have had a first class in school?
Aaaanyways, Back to the gear-grinding bit. Let us return in my imaginary time machine and go back to the days of Brahm Stoker. In the days of the prevalent terror of that noble, charming and dreaded Cunt (sorry, I meant count), Count Dracula!
Heck. Not so gay anymore now, is it? He was quite the charmer, too, but he was a MAN, not a ladyboy, like out beautiful Stephenie Meyer is beginning to make the new ‘versions’ of vampires into.
Your honor, in pleading the case of vampires all over the world, I would like to say that much damage has been done to their cause. A vampire comes into a girl’s room, says “BLEH! I am about to drain you of your blood! I am about to empty you of your very life essence!”
And the girl goes, “yes, yes! Bite me, so that we may live forever and I can carry your vampire babies! I love you, random vampire.”
Sad times.
That’s got to grind your gears.
I rest my case.

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But I love the twilight series. 😦

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5 Responses to "Romantic Vampires"

i concur….so stupid.. the aim is now to make gayish vampies look cool whereas there’s nothing so cool about the blood sucking demons..vampy will be vampy..they have fangs and they suck you dry..
nothing cool about that so dont let any hollywood flick brainwash any of u..
bt to be honest, twihard almost had me but i overcame..wink**

I have a brother/sister in the cloth there @glowingscenes. Gosh.

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