Kemmiiii's Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Funny

Here’s another;

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Fellow Rotarians and loved ones,
Your various comments on and praises for my previous pieces are appreciated and serve as the tonic for this and future articles. Please enjoy.

As I took my seat in the almost empty Coach J of Virgin Train, a First Class coach courtesy of my friend of over 30 years and host, Ayodeji Osobu, on my return trip to London yesterday, I remembered that I slept all through my outward journey to Manchester on Friday. I decided to stay awake this time, to have a good look at the Country side. And that meant fighting off an almost inevitable nap consequent upon the hang over of an eventful Friday Night.

Beyond that, I am specially blessed with ease of falling asleep even in the noisiest environment and most awkward position. Glory be to God!

Manchester typifies the northern England cities with easy life, no hustle and bustle characteristic of London. With my experience in Harrogate, Leeds, Newcastle, Birmingham etc in the past, it is easy for me to make this conclusion. No wonder you find more of Nigerians in tangible professions making their living there leaving all the riff-raffs in London. A comparison of this situation with Lagos versus Ibadan and Abeokuta can only suffer on the basis of economic activities!
Trust Nigerians! There’s a joint called Roots in Central Manchester that serves “Ishiewu”, “Nwongwo”, “Shawa” among other Nigerian delicacies! That was our port of TGIF! Cold drinks, Beers and stout originating from Nigeria abound with Naija hip hop emanating from the juke box of a DJ with typical Ibo accent. Before I knew it, the joint transformed into a nite club by 12 midnight with influx of young men and ladies in “hot” dresses! As I watched all sorts of things happening inside and outside the joint, I couldn’t but wished to grow younger!
At my instance, we left the joint with a lot to talk about at about 3am.

Ayo lives at Imperial Point, a magnificent, beautiful. block of serviced apartments in Old Trafford overlooking a canal across which Manchester United Stadium stands out in what looks like an industrial area. “Old” because there’s a new Trafford that is closer to the city centre. The Old Trafford, I was told was originally occupied by shanties built by merchants and fishermen. Like it is happening at Ilubinrin in Lagos, Old tafford now houses magnificent buildings among which is The Imperial War Museum and industries with jetties along Salford Quays!

To keep me awake, I ordered for a cup of Cappuccino which was delivered promptly and with the typical courtesy of Virgin establishment. Just then, the train left platform 5 almost unnoticed. No noise, no jerk except the driver’s (mind you, they no longer call them engine drivers because they don’t operate locomotive engines)announcement and relative motion that accelerated to what I believe was between 120 and 140 kilometers per hour speed. I sipped the coffee with strong faith as the train sped on with so many things on through my mind while gazing, through the window at the beautiful and spectacular countryside!

The countryside reminded me of the exciting picture I had while in a similar electric train from Paris to Lille way back in 1978.
All the way from Manchester to London I could not see an expanse of land up to a plot that was left uncultivated except close to towns and villages. There are agricultural settlements all the way with various arable crops at various stages of development giving a beautiful jig saw of various colours! Those at the flowery stage giving red, yellow and pink, puple etc while those already harvested and withering off present brown and grey within the ubiquitous green also of various shades! Whao! What a scenery! There are also grazing portions for cattle and sheep!

Compared with the Lagos-Ibadan expressway, you will have to contend with the various Religious Camps and Trailer Parks with their attendant nuisances! Nigeria is fast becoming a country where there are more churches than factories and more Pastors than Managers!

Thick forests that harbour criminals also abound especially beyond Ibadan and Ijebu as you move into the hinterland! Nigeria was once described by a French diplomat friend of mine as a forest because that was all he saw from Lagos to Ibadan in 1977, just before the expressway was commissioned! I took him up, albeit with a baseless argument!
Visiting France a little later opened my eyes!
My little son, Bayonle was to corroborate, on a lighter mood, the Frenchman’s assertion in 1997, 20 years later! My father then kept this unusual pet, a crocodile! My son seeing it for the first time raced to tell me with a lot of excitement, ‘this Lalupon is a forest, daddy’ just for sighting a croc. I laughed my head off!

The train just went past Milton Keynes another quiet town, towards the north, about 30 minutes from London by rail maybe 1hour by road, when there was an SOS announcement for a doctor to come to the aid of a passenger in Coach C! Pronto, I was there to see a young man in his late 20s, most likely an Arab, complaining of palpitation and chest discomfort. He looked anxious, sweaty and somewhat distressed! His pulse was pounding and heart rate about 120 beats per minute. I threw some probing questions and in no time was able to arrive at a diagnosis of Drug- induced Tachycardia! The stupid boy had taken a powerful chinese aphrodisiac earlier in the day! He reminded me of the recklessness of the driver in Frankfurt! Is recklessness an arabian culture? I advised he be taken to the nearest hospital for detoxification with an antidote and intravenous fluids. Getting an ambulance to pick him up at the next station cost us extra 30 minutes.

As we got to London Euston station, I could count not less than ten other Virgin trains waiting to be boarded or discharging passengers! My mind now wandered to this ubiquitous company that has its hand in virtually every essential need of life and also making a success of it! From Virgin ‘tooth pick’ to Virgin Airline! Is there anything that Virgin does not do other than party politics? Virgin India, Virgin America, Virgin Atlantic, Virgin everywhere are success stories in the Aviation industry. My conclusion is that Richard Branson, the founder and CEO is an avid, incorruptible and diligent businessman who cherishes his integrity! In a conservative environment, he has built a large, reputable business empire. His withdrawal from Nigeria, perhaps his first sad story of failure, was not unconnected with CORRUPTION, an entropy that gives me palpitation and missed beats each time it crosses my mind! And it does so many times!

A man of immense means and vision and style, I heard, Richard Branson has an ISLAND to himself in the Pacific Ocean from where he will probably be smiling at the lot of Nigerians who are in a prison.
May I call on all of us to rise up and never get tired of trying to get out of our PRISON where there seems to be no doors or windows but only concrete walls and barbed wire fences.
Disasters are looming in our society and we all owe it a duty to. speak up and speak out! As Wole Soyinka warned us, “The man dies in him who keeps quiet in the face of injustice”. Corruption is the greatest injustice in our land converting it into a prison manned by vicious warders!

Happy Sunday to all and I wish the convention Goers an exciting time in Lisbon.

Windy.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed mobile broadband on our easyblaze and plans for BlackBerry. Visit http://www.etisalat.com.ng for details.

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My Pops; Ajasa as I fondly refer to him is a traveler. He takes his time out every year to travel and he loves it.

Here’s a Story he Sent to my mailbox and I thought I should share.

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As soon as we were referred to the German embassy for Schengen Visa to Portugal, it occurred to me that it could be an opportunity for me to visit Germany for the first time and exploit the opportunity it may offer. Pronto I got in touch with a colleague, a German, I met 2 years ago at the Conference of IFRS, International Federation of Rural Surgeons to which I belong, that took place at Eruwa, Oyo state. The guy assured me of and arranged a guide for my one day tour of Frankfurt.

My night flight to Frankfurt on Friday, the 14th June was uneventful and right on schedule. The aircraft, an Airbus A330-300 was comfortable with adequate leg room and filled up and the cabin crew, very courteous and caring. To my greatest surprise, not up to 10 of the over 300 passengers actually entered Frankfurt, to the effect that on my way to passport control area, I felt lost despite the obvious and unmistakable directional signs.

The expansive Terminal 1 was looking deserted, perhaps because it was early hours of Saturday. But then I had been in even Nairobi early in the morning to talk less of Amsterdam Schipol. I started to wonder what kind of people are these Germans!
On my way out to London yesterday however, it was a different kettle of fish. The airport was somewhat busy with no black man in sight. I started feeling like a fish out of water.
To the credit of Germans, I must remark that Frankfurt airport is the most automated airport I have visited to date, even up to baggage drop. You hardly see any counter officer except for a few helping people like me who may have difficulty because of first time use. Very soon technology will drive everybody out of job, I wondered! Or is it another German miserly gimmick! I started remembering the “visa palava” again!

Getting my bag took no time and I was out of the terminal building to find what my cab driver described as a beautiful weather. Days before it had been disturbingly rainy! I decided to take a cab to minimize my headache with language in describing my hotel. The driver, a middle-easterner, maybe lebanese, started speeding like someone possessed even as he was telling all sorts of stories. This breath-taking speed forced me to literarily beg him to slow down when the speedometer read 240 kilometer! You can imagine his accent and mien in telling me that in Germany, there’s no speed limit especially when you are on autoban meaning highway, which looks and feels very much like the tartan race track of our famous Liberty Stadium in Ibadan.
In no time we got to Meninger Hotel, about 25 kilometers from the Airport at the periphery of the city Centre. Close to it is Main Convention Centre, a massive structure comparable to the Mc Comic Convention Centre in Chicago!

Hardly had I settled down did my guide, Dave, a dry, unfriendly looking but business-like young man came with a bag from my friend Dr. Kholner. I quickly changed and set out for what I thought was going to be an interesting outing. Dave took me in a sparkling Audi A8 which he claimed was a gift from my friend. Taking me around was like a pay back time! He was such a useless guide that I had to make up my mind to release him as I was the one asking questions some of which he was unable to answer satisfactorily about a place of his birth! What a shame! I wondered whether it was deliberate. The guy was just driving me sluggishly round and round the beautiful and clean city of Frankfurt. I discharged Dave with a Thank you note on my complimentary card to my friend.

By 1pm, I was back in my hotel and trust Naija man! “We no dey carry last” I decided to make the best of my stay! I hired a bicycle for 12 Euro to look around the developing suburb of Franfurt. My bicycle was equipped with an ergometer. I could calculate how much calories I was burning and what distance I had covered! I had a wonderful time cycling round the well paved roads of Main and its environs. I covered about 22 km all together in about 3 hours.
I went round some developing areas and to my amazement, Strabag was the only familiar name I saw on a few of the many gigantic building and civil engineering projects going on there!
The almighty Julius Berger that holds sway in Nigeria was nowhere to be found! I then started thinking. Could it be that JB is not known at home? Or could it be that it is holding sway in Nigeria because it “speaks the language” of corruption better than the others? Let the clients tell us!

I was about to sleep when I now remembered that I had not checked the contents of the bag sent by my friend from a remote village off Hamburg. On opening the box, I found a note which reads:

“Dear Dr Windapo,
As discussed, please find these items which have proven efficacy as the “secrets of German machine” which you craved to have. (LOL)”——–
Kirk.

Please when next you see me, ask for the secret! It will be given for a fee! It is professional!

Cheers!

Windy.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Etisalat. Enjoy high speed mobile broadband on our easyblaze and plans for BlackBerry. Visit http://www.etisalat.com.ng for details.

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Posted on: January 21, 2012

Hi People, Anslem Filling in for Kemmiii here;

I’m quite a busy man, busy… by every known definition of the word BUSY! Before I log on…abeg make I talk how my journey take start. I was going through my group profile on facebook (Natures Children) then I was just a new member when suddenly I saw a post. It was posted by my brother Kelechi Kemnele on “Letter to my wife” >>.>> done with scanning through,I proceeded to drive off but then, my kid sister with whom I was sharing the little frame of my phone to read the post just screamed, wait! Just puzzled, my countenance changed and she showed to me something like…..here’s a reply from another blogger…

Not too interested, and in a bid to satisfy my sheer curiosity, at first I skimmed through, later scanned and then became so fully engrossed. Haba… My ego as a man was bruised…heh??? A babe wrote this??? And from that day… I left my blog to concentrate on appraising her blog if it’s worth my attention. Though I’ve got a full four paged reply to her (Kemmiiii)…

I’ve got a PLAN!!! And that’s to release the post some days before Valentine’s Day ….Hahahahahahah!!!! (((Sneezes (_–_) )))).That, I guess, will be the best time frame to put ladies like Kemmiiii with “dia” endless emotional and psychological shopping list in check! Fortunately… I’m well positioned for her “wish list”……I heavy die!!!

(Hmmm I hear someone say watcha finking) <<< dey dia if I no blo ma Trump”ET Na you go blo am???

Ok. That’s the online history ab initio of how I came in contact with Kemmiiii’s blog and the rest is subscribing to her post while I’m still putting my sketchy blog in shape….At least to give the  woman a voice.

Today.

I’m assuming the tripartite writer”. U must have viewed that movie.. The Ghost writer. Somewhat like it but mine is different. I’m viewing this current issue in Naija and came to the conclusion that some folks are quite ill informed, myopically displaced while the others are socially acting tweedy”” eh na! dem no know wetin subsidy be, and dey just following the trend and commenting on the side that has major facts to carry them along whether right or wrong…..Examples like this make me Para>>>>>>>(u can complete the grammar dan’Allah <Hausa>….>(please)

The Current plagues in Naija.

It amazes me how eminent, elite and well read Nigerians are treating the dicey issue of subsidy. Here’s what subsidy means.

Subsidy is money given by the Government a grant or gift of money, financial assistance to companies either private or state owned, organization to help it to function

In Aba: Haa’ si na subsidy ge’me nid isi nor’na govermenti ga ‘zuu egbe;na ihe ndi ozor’’’ha ne’gi alu’a agha(they said that will make head of government parastatals to aquire guns and other things used for war.

The other man sitting under the Peugeot 406.. sharply cuts in ….Ta! Eku’zi’na ifa>>> (don’t say that again)

He washes his hand in the fuel meant to serve as a mechanical reagent or whatever and cleans his left hand…his back pocket na im be the rag-towel and continues’

Who told you ? eh ? who told you? He continues….Okonjo Iweala… who is currently the chief of army barracks and minister of oil subsidy (which kain posishun be that ??)  said  that subsidy .. is for the oil to be imported from the ground and then let the federalgovernment keep the ships and hand over to the demurrage head quarters!!!!!

What an idea! …..what do we call this …ignoratio elenchi…..abi na  argumentum ad verecundiam…. Pls sort ya sef out.. the man sef na professor…..

In Benin: In a bus heading to Ugbowo (near Uniben)….pinging… pinging. texting… the girl behaving sexy…. Having a swag coefficient of 6.7/ 10 at least a B++ swag … u know na… she blew it all up. How?  After dropping her call…her countenance  changed… so her friend…(name with held) asked…. Whats the mara (hmm na hia my ear pin wella)…..  She began her replies like this: they said that the av bombs the Yobes people….(eh!) grammar! Person wey dey make call dey talk of Pol 344?? I just shun ….den she continued; I pity for Ty Danjuma ehhh yaaaaa

And her friend asked; why U dey pity am? Quickly she retorted, Na im be the husband of former senator Ehanire Dajuma na….realizing the reason for her friends concern she addeded her own bit of””””eeeehhhh yaaa to express her nonchalant sympathy too. Then the other chick burst my bubbles…. U know now? …. Because that’s the capital of Taraba state! His home state.  Gbam!  eh! For Naija hia….? The man sitting next to the babe cast a serious gaze at me and I nodded my head in Unison……chei Yobe… is the capital of Taraba…. Courtesy of Boko Haram…

Some how I was lambasting seriously, that in a country where everything seems to be a current issue….I learnt a lesson, Not everything” wearing a denim pant, some tops” to match and a koi koi shoe waving a BB (like a flag) could easily be taken as a hip’ chic… Caveat to the guys>>> Interact first before collecting ha n u m b e r s pls!!!

Tobechukwu and I were somewhere along eastern bye pass headed toward NLNG Jetty in Port Harcourt, the traffic hold up was unbearable so guys I had to alight and look for the easiest way to “piss” charpali sharpali… before now, I’d been complaining to Tobe, that I was really hungry… Tobe’ being a stubborn boy… was asking me to make sacrifices on his behalf… He was tapping my foot to keep my complaints low cos he needed to set a “skoto” (like setting a P”) for the chic to fall into” Tobe.’s phone was ringing mercilessly and he saved the number as  “family Nurse”… Me maa… I’ve not heard of an adjective like that used to qualify some’ones position or whatever….

The Chic, was heading to Bonny so see her mum, and I myself my heading somewhere close to NLNG.. I was heading to Finima Island also in Bonny. At least I had budgeted  3 hrs in the sea …. And gradually being kept buried by the tides of hunger .. I finally kept silent … There’s no worst experience like being hungry and feeling sleepy…lie!!!! Try it.. and u will never Sleep. … many thoughts ran through my head.

Later when we arrived at the jetty, I got my ticket while tobe was still “forming” and pacing up and down looking for a cheap lie…. Tobe, Like I’ve always said refused to heed my wise counsel… that is to give the “shenkess” (babe)  some lil cash and free her … Nope! The idiot refused and wanted to drop both of us .. Big boy forming…pocket half empty….

Sharpli. I walked to a fast food centre and  had some meatpie available for myself. On coming back… without interruption… Tobe was already delivering his well rehearsed lines….He just gave ne the normal football signage “like in the case of a free kick”  or somewhat analogical to a director calling it “cut”!! in a movie production scene… .. he was gesticulating  waving his palms as if cutting his neck.. I just bent my head and walked briskly

Hear him” Ibimina” U know how well I’ve planned all this for You… your comfort is my priority (for my mind that one na hotel advert lines ).. the chick was bizi flogging her Pakistani (Indian Moroccan or brazillian)? hair .. while Tobe was delivering his lines… I never anticipated beyond my widest expectations the multiplier effect this fuel subsidy would have on my financial status( hey! At this I paused… Warri!! No dey carry last… I ‘ve already known where he was headed)…

So he continued… for now based on the fuel subsidy issue, >>> Im personally adopting a palliative measure by WATCHING MY WEIGHT  FINANCIALLY!!! (haba! At this Na im  I head towards the house boat… I did not even hail my man ……goodbye…that lie alone. Deserved a standing ovation……. Seriously…….

Ibimina was smiling gladly when I looked back…..

I was headed home……To Finima… To the creeks. Where a canoe trip from Ogbia to Amassoma was a fee of paddling with your strength  unlike cycling from Ikeja to Yaba… or better from Alausa to  Mile 2, …..

After all I once used a Camel In Funtua to make a trip to Dandume Village while I was in the North…..By then I tot I was acting below my standard but when I woke up and saw N 141.10 in TOTAL filling station… I was searching for Ustaz Musbahu’s number to import  some camels to Badagry…. At least…. To make judicious use  of my business acumen…..

Sai anjuma…..!

Hey people! Happy New Year to you all, Hope you’re having an awesome new year, Subsidy aside.

Today, I have a post written by my friend and colleague; Joey @Joe4jah

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I just had to put this into writing, perhaps one bold man (I’m not a sexist, with all due apologies to the XX species) — Cos only men have these kinda balls (just 4, including the eyeballs) — will get inspired enough to buy into my idea and who knows? It just might be the future!

Watching all sorts of documentaries while growing up, I couldn’t ignore this about the Chinese and the Japs. Those dudes live long I must confess, that is if they survive the urge to commit suicide. Ignore the noodles, let’s face the bicycles.

I’ve always been saying to my friends that we need to adopt that “bicycle society” thingy but they scoffed at me asking if I would like to RIDE a bicycle to work while others DRIVE cars. But now, we have to revisit this issue with the increase in fuel price due to the removal of subsidy which some claimed never even existed…  that’s talk for another day (not meant literally though).

The importance of bicycles to the Nigerian society cannot be over-emphasized and I’m just gonna share them with you in case you’ve never really thought about it before.

1          Bicycles are cheap! And guess what, they do the same job of transportation. The money you would use in buying a car would buy a dozen bikes.  Common, sell that car and make every member of your family a proud bike owner and if you’ve got no family member, a lil extra cash on your hands to fund your other non-fuel related vanities.

2          Kneel down to thank me if I give you a bicycle for your wedding gift (2 would be appropriate cos you’re a couple right?). If I give you a car, I’d be ruining your marriage a little too early cos that’s gonna be your “kalokalo”. What would it cost you to maintain a bicycle? Engine oil I guess… just to make sure u ride without friction (I’m sure a dirty mind is saying SEXUAL already *smh*). But to maintain a car? I don’t have one, no one in my house does (fuel-subsidy-removal-induced courage) but I have friends that do and I hear words on the streets. Fuel is just but a part of the maintenance albeit a very important one. Long and short of the story: TO HELL WITH FUEL (Oops! We don’t want that, do we? Talk about shooting yourself in the leg).

3          I can bet the battery of my laptop (it’s spoilt FYI) that you know someone or someone that knows someone that is suffering from hypertensive heart disease. Heart diseases and stroke usually originate from hypertensive heart disease too before you say na only stroke full ur family. Imagine living in Ikeja while working in Yaba. Cycling to and from work everyday will keep you healthy for real. You’ll burn off the excess calories in your body, you’ll reduce your blood cholesterol level and ladies always wanting to be in shape cos of the high level of P setting in town (you gotta keep ur man, hoes girls ain’t smiling) will have just the perfect medium to do that. Cycling will increase the life expectancy in Nigeria cos hypertensive heart disease is a major killer no thanks to junk food courtesy of the likes of KFC (I know they just came but they’re spreading like the plague dammit!).

4          For those of you that feel you’ve really not done anything to help mother earth. Here is a chance to feel relevant. It’s still bicycle o. But think of the fact that you won’t be burning hydrocarbon fuels anymore. Think of the fact that you won’t be releasing green house gases. Think of your impact in salvaging the ozone layer and the fact that your children will reduce or maybe eradicate the curses they’ll place on this generation for doing so much damage to the ozone layer. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Get a bike TODAY!

5          The view! Oh my! The views I meant! My dear brethren, it is with gladness of heart I announce to you…*drums rolling*… the breath-taking, asthma-inducing, early morning booties! Yeah u read well… BOOTIES! Asses if you like. You’re gonna be blessed with some gracious views of them asses on the bike as u ride behind them (again, NOT SEXUAL). Morning is better cos they would have put in a lot to look their best (ladies I know y’all look in the mirror to confirm if that ass is gonna kill). Coming back from work, it ain’t gonna be looking so fresh anymore + you’ll be too tired to appreciate the goodness therein… except for some horny bastids of course.

6          P setting! P setting toh quality! When stuck in a little bike traffic and the babe beside you looks like it, go for it soldier! Ride by her side and set that P. You’ll be amazed at how many peeps you’d meet on the road while receiving the early morning fresh air. Bliss… that’s what it sounds like to me.

I’ m sure y’all get the crux of the matter. We don’t need fuel that much. We can cut down on that “golden fluid” and tell those idiats to stick their own pee sticks up their own asses we are survivors. *in Abacha’s voice*So fellow Nigerians, let the cycling begin!

I want to thank my colleagues @Dhamyhan 4 his wise contributions & @Kemmiiii for hosting me on her webspace. I look forward to more collabos (yet not sexual).

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What do you think?

BTW, Don’t forget to subscribe 🙂

Y’all can agree with me that the year 2011 lasted less than a month! Cuz swear down; 1/1/11 was just like yesterday. No?

2011 for me, started on quite a sour note; My first break up. My very first year in Med School. I was too ecstatic to start school; right now,I wish year 2015 could just be equal to year 2012. Just Basic Medical Sciences and I’m already tired. I wonder what will happen when I get to the clinics.

All in all, 2011 turned out to be a good year for me. I lost my wallet twice, lost my phone and other personal stuff I can’t divulge here…Let’s just pray for a better 2012

I was gonna do lists like….The highs of 2011…Flops of 2011.. Music and stuff but Im too lazy. I’m gonna write on the things I learnt in 2011. Enjoy J

  • Nobody ever seems to believe the saying that what you don’t know cannot kill you.
  • Twitter hype is not it. See what happened to ELI. People that were tweeting and retweeting. How many people showed up for the show? Or the songs that I wasted MBs to download and the songs turned out to be *bleh* -_-
  • You people that were claiming “I’m voting for GEJ and not PDP” can you see yourselves now?
  • Tonto Dikeh’z zide eye reignz supreme
  • Never Trust a tailor.
  • Anybody can rap o! Look see; “Only MC with the MB! BS!” #Sweggggg
  • T go for ‘Koko concept’ and ‘Redeem Unpluck’ is a must.
  • Truly. Age is just a number. See Mazi Oracle
  • Singing nonsense can take you places. Like D’banj said; “you don’t have to make sense” And D’banj made no sense. But guess who’s living the G.O.O.D life.
  • You don’t need pubic hair to make babies. Wizkid can tell you his story.
  • How to know you’re a twitter celeb; People write poems for follow backs;          “Roses are redYour hair is purple I will do anything for you Just follow me back”
  • Yes. Its that bad.
  • 14 years!!!!
  • Being a Unilag girl is not easy. The Stereotyping + Generalization is too much. Thank God I’m a Medilag girl

    See?

  • Anyone that advices you to study medicine doesn’t love you.
  • Eveything is now sexual
  • Ugwu Leaves >>>>>>>>>>> 
  • Tears now come in the shredded form. You can treat this by drinking Orange Jews. I wonder what Orange Jews taste like
  • Being an Ibadan Indigene is not easy. We always take the Jabs. Especially Ibadan girls (=^_^=).
  • Someone somewhere is always forming a BC. A New year BC is coming your way.
  • Don’t be with someone you cannot laugh and joke with. Laughter is the best medicine.
  • Twitter remains a serious issue. You are your tweets no matter how much you deny it. 
  • If you’re a Med Student, Never let your lecturer know that your father is a doctor. The famz will be too great. That is how many anatomy HOD called my father when I failed my CA.
  • Haters are always gonn’ hate
  • Live your life while you can. Don’t have to wish you did something while you had the chance. I wish I had more fun in year 1.
  • Leave before you are left.
  • Your DMs are not so safe. Keep your naked pictures of twitter.
  • There are too many talented Nigerian youth. I wish I could do something with my hands.  What is your talent?
  • Don’t sleep with another girl’s boyfriend. Na ata gigun get you oo!
  • It’s a crime to be fat and ugly. People are too insensitive. Don’t call them fat; call them heavy boned. Don’t call them ugly; call them tending towards the unfine axis.
  • You can be a cool virgin. See the toxic virgin.
  • There are still some good Nigerians. I forgot my wallet on a bus and a kind man brought it to my school for me.
  • There are P setters and there are P setters. There are P setters. The actual P setters don’t make noise about setting P. I know this
  • Weed over Alcohol any day. Alcohol can get you into trouble. Weed makes you stupid. I prefer stupid.
  • If you ever have to get married. Don’t rush things. I know why I’m saying this. *cough* Mer *cough* see *cough* John *cough* Doe. I did not mention names o!
  • People can claim!! Even somebody living in Epe will be complaining about the Lekki toll gate.
  • Festac is a country on its own – Farstac
  • Don’t be a weist 
  • Twitter is not just for setting P. See what happened to D’banj or Odinabarbie or Tweetoracle – He was offered 3 million naira for his twitter account. Don’t put chewing gum in your eyes people are making a living off witter.
  • Fela lives forever! He’s a bawse like that.
  • What did we learn from G/Qadhafi tho?  
  • Don’t blame Boko Haram. Why can’t our government give us good security?
  • If you have to steal your daddy’s credit. Steal wisely.
  • You can never be too stupid. See Vic O vs Speed Darlingtion – Battle of the stupids. We await Vic’s new album. The Murder Fuckers.
  • I am a bloody addict
  • This just came in….To get HIV all you need is 12 thrusts

I learnt many more things sha. What did you learn in 2011??

PS. This is obviously my last post in 2011. I want to say thank you to all of my awesome readers and supporters. Y’all made my 2011. Hope to see you all in 2012. Hope you had a blissful 2011. Hope your 2012 will be more bliss filled.

Im also looking for guest writers o!! Inbox me @ bolawindapo@yahoo.com No spam please.

Thank you for coming and please share your thoughts and don’t forget to feel your boobies! I love you all!!

Keezez!!

Hey People. You’re Welcome Back. You know the letterDear Future Husband I wrote to My future Husband eh? Well….I got a few responses from jonzing future husbands. I selected just 2 to show you guys. One from Famzing naija dog and the other; an anonymous jonzer.

Today, I bring you Famzing Naija Dog….
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Good Morning. @OluwaWanaBaba here. If you know me, Sup? If you don’t, go and buy bread at http://playbookutunu.wordpress.com and come back. Kemi dearie, thanks for the advert space. Moving on.

In case, you do not know by now (some people are actually slower than the cross-breed of a snail and a tortoise), Kemi is my future wife. I saw her letter, and as a good future husband decided to reply.
Happy reading.

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad wife, you’ll become a philosopher.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Wana’s room,
Fabulous Mansion,

Mars.
Kemi’s Room,
Awesome Grace Villa,
Venus.
Kemi. Pardon me for calling you by your name straight, and not using all the sweet names like “honeypie” and “sugarpoop”. You know you are the Queen of my Heart, the only boxers in my cupboard, the only Oracle in my Twitter. But that doesn’t mean I will call you names like “honeypie”. Life is too short for Iranu. The highest I can call you is ‘dear’, and that will be when I’m in a good mood, like after I’ve eaten 7 wraps of Amala.
I got your letter last night. I have to say, I was impressed with what I read. You really are a smart, beautiful girl, and I’m proud to be your future husband.
I was not chyking any girl o! I was having practicals on the mammary glands with a female classmate when your letter came in. I want to be a doctor. To hell with the National Cake. Let us not soil our hands with something so evil. I have a desire to save lives which is why I want to be a doctor, and earn more than enough money for us to be comfortable.
I have read your rules, and I am not entirely happy with them. To prevent future throwing of fists, let me send you a revised edition of your rules that suit us both.

1. I totally agree with rule number 1. We shall obey God everywhere. Every time. In every different way. I doubt you’ll be able to obey God as vigorously as I can, so I’ll need ‘prayer partners’. They will be Nkechi, my secretary and our 3 maids.

2. 8 children? Sextuplets? Then twins? Do you have a death wish? This, I do not agree with. Unless you’ve found a way to develop 2 extra pairs of breasts, that’s a No. We’re having a maximum of 4 children, and that’s it. Imagine if the 8 children inherit my troublesome behavior? You’ll just end up booking a permanent reservation at 8, Harvey Road, Yaba.
I will never ever change diapers. No matter what you’re doing, once the baby cries, attend to it. I may help make food once in an extremely dark blue moon, but that’s all the help you’ll get from me. You and the other maids can do the rest.

3. Cooking is not an issue. I’m a good cook. A very wonderful cook sef. If you see me prepare Bread and Butter, you would be amazed. I am also an expert in making Boiled Eggs, so no need to worry. Hunger will never finish our children.

4. I know they have their disadvantages, but we have to house-helps. Plenty of them. I don’t want you to work yourself to death, as washing 7 Maybach-Benzes and 3 Rolls-Royce Phantoms every morning will kill you. Trust me. Na ordinary Toyota Camry I dey wash for here every morning wey my Humerus don almost commot my Gleno-Humeral joint.
We will have 3 hired helps, and their names shall be Ekaette, Enobong and Iniobong. They shall each have their own rooms and their payment and every other situation related to their welfare shall be handled by me.

5. I’m totally with you on Date Nights. It’s a chance to show you off to the world and make all the other men jealous of the gorgeous beauty on my arm, so yes I’m with it.
Our actual first date? It’s gonna be wonderful. It’s gonna be fantastic… There’s this new Cholera Joint opposite my crib… Their Bread & Beans is orgasmically delicious…

6. Yeah, I’ve wondered how the proposal is gonna be… I’m so romantic and I have so many ideas in mind… Lemme give you one example…
Me: Kemi, where are you?
You: In the toilet!
Me: Is your shit hard?
You: *grunts* Uuuuurrggghh
Me: Will you marry me?
You: Uuurrrrggghhhh!!!
Me: *pops champagne*
Wasn’t that so romantic?

7. I like the idea that we should have our own song. That one song that would set us in the mood and make us remember why we fell in love in the first place. There are a lot of songs running through my mind right now…
What do you think of “Dadubule” by Scally? The lyrics are so emotional and filled with love, and they make me so happy when I hear them…
“Meji l’oyan, okan l’oko… Meji l’epon, okan l’oko…”
“Abi iwo bricklayer one time to lon r’ebo r’ebo…”
“Baby je ki n bi sinu obo”
*sighs* So romantic…
Another romantic song on my mind is M.I.’s Somebody Wants To Die… The title alone reeks of love…

8. Discipline: I too, am not in favour of beating children. It’s a very barbaric and destructive practice, and I’m in favor of more constructive punishments.
‘Stand in the corner’ is not a punishment. When I say punishments, I mean punishments like ‘The Transporter’. Let me explain it to you.
We put a 50L drum full of water at the front gate, and an empty one in the back-yard. The child to be punished is then handed a fork, with which he must transfer the water from the drum with water to the empty one.
Trust me, Spending 19 hours walking in a straight line without food or water or any break will cure every bad habit in that child.
I really admire that you took your time to write that lovely letter to me. I have exchanged it for N30 akara, which I ate with Ijebu garri and groundnut, so that it may be forever etched in my memory…
Till we meet,
Yours lovingly,
Wana.
******
I Def won’t marry a Doctor.
Wana you’re jonzing 😀

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

This is a true incident that happened place in Soweto about a month ago.

A man was hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him. Suddenly a car stopped next to him. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel.

The car moved slowly.

He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared; he started praying, begging for his life.

He was terrified.

Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel.

The man, now paralyzed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve.

Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see.

Wet and in shock, he went into a shebeen and asked for a double brandy. After drinking it, he told every one of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying.

About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shebeen and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other:

“Mfowetu isn’t that the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it?”

****************

This Story was written by @pheekayo

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    • Cecila: When shopping from the internet, a numerate of the great unwashed ofttimes take time to scan done a twosome of reviews on the merchandise ahead qual
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